I never imagined I'd divorce Anita, someone I fell in love with (or did I?) and got married to 2 yrs back. Every now and then, I catch myself looking blank and basically lost. Its so unlike me and the things that have happened over the last 2 weeks seem so unreal. I can't believe I am now divorced and just waiting for a court order. Suddenly, the world looks so unfriendly and people appear to be so indifferent to me. Its even more amazing how quickly thing can change and the landscape looks completely different.
I guess its gonna takes ages before all the wounds in my heart heal. Or will they heal at all? I wish I could undo many things about my personal life. I can't even place my finger on when things started going wrong. From the time I developed a crush on Anita? From the time we started going around? Was it when we got married? Or was it when I first started cheating on her? Or was it when nothing magical happened during our Goa trip? Its so difficult to figure out. I guess I never will.
Today happens to be Manju's birthday. I dont even feel like calling her Babybear or any such thing. I dont know if its because I've fallen out of love or if its the distance thats making the difference. We haven't spoken in more than a week and we've exchanged one-liners on email. This effectively means an all-time low in our relationship -- if at all some such thing exists!
Its a difficult time facing my family. Just a month back, my track record seemed impeccible and I seemed to be the Wall of the family -- rock-solid and never looked like crumbling. Today, I am having to duck calls from my folks, hate having to call them up and basically feeling pathetic.
My back is huring a bit -- thanks to the intense swimming today and I am feeling bugged. Work's the only saving grace for now but you never know when things get ugly on that front too. Its so unpredictable and dependant on too many factors. I hope things work out for me and the dust settles down and there's some stability in my life again. Whats wrong in wishing for it?